By Dolores J. Nurss

Volume VI: The Rift

Chapter 34




            I dreamed, in my childhood and teens that I had taught people many different ways of killing with whatever objects came to hand.  I not only dreamed of Deirdre giving such lessons, but I have dreamed of taking them, myself.  The thing I remember clearest is the weight on the soul of teaching others how to kill.  I distinctly recall Cyran telling me, “You’re worth ten warriors!” and me thinking, sarcastically, “Why?  Because my heart is pure?”

            My family has not only been ivory trailer intellectuals for generations, but also guerilla teachers.  All of us, even the humblest, most fallen, or most damaged, watches constantly for opportunities to teach as well as learn, as a kind of sacred duty laid upon our line.  I remember bursting with pride when my baby brothers first grew old enough to teach me things I didn’t know.  We may be messed up in a lot of ways, but we have done what we could to make the world a better place.  The dream warns me, though, to take care not to teach the wrong lessons!  For I have learned anger and vengefulness along with other things, and those I must not pass on, as I fight to control them in myself.

The battle comes from the blur of all the battles that I have ever fought in dreams.  The memory of the dreams lingers in my muscles, but not in the part of me that thinks in words.  To write it all up I have to feel in my waking body how my dream-body moved, what it did.  Only then does it come back.  Or seems to.  I might still be imagining what I think of as memory.

I have dreamed again and again of rescuing Lufti and hiding with him in a crack of rock.  Details change, results change, but the motif remains the same.  I think the Jungian symbolism is fairly obvious.

I have dreamed of gunning down the innocent and being blonde.  My Shadow side.  I had a reckless tongue back then; this reminded me that with too quick a wit I could hurt those who don’t deserve it.

            I wrote most of the scenes in the boat.  However, I have clearly dreamed that Randy likes cocoa!

Main Page