By Dolores J. Nurss

Volume V: Sharing Insanity

Chapter 47





I wrote of Deirdre contemplating her crystal with malign intent, and much of the rest.  (I did dream that Alroy had told her, in his last hour, that her desire to be good would someday burn up her and her virtue both, leaving nothing after but ash.)  I didn't dream her cursing, but I felt her doing it, so compellingly that I had to write about it.  This differed dramatically from what I thought I knew about Deirdre, and yet it insisted upon itself, that her quest for purity had come full circle to evil—because you can't worship human purity without despising human vice, and in the act of despisal link with and become the very thing you hate.  Inflation leads to a stretching, and then a collapse.  Virtue without humility and humor becomes pride and self-idolatry.

I dreamed vividly of seeing Guaril and Tshura embedded in the cliff, with powerlines tapping into them, defiance on their faces but no ability to move.  In the dream I felt that this confirmed that an enemy artificially blocked me, draining my energy.

I am 1/8 Romany, for what it's worth.  Yet I have always been a stay-at-home sort, so reluctant to venture forth that at one point I spent years self-confined to a little room, and suffered serious atrophy.  The part of me that could roam and find adventures seemed frozen in stone, drained of power.

But after this dream something changed in my attitude.  Flowers grew through the gears of the machine that made me feel unworthy and insecure.  My remote Romany heritage laughed defiantly in me.

My clinging to security and familiarity wasn't agoraphobia—I didn't fear the outside world so much as I feared the shame of making mistakes in it.  I avoided risk because bad consequences would then be my fault.

Bad consequences happened anyway, and non-decision reaped as much shame as bad decisions, for inaction is also a choice.  I finally realized that there is no such thing as security, and no holding back change.  Another dream told me, "Change is inevitable: grow or rot."  Life flows; stability is an illusion and a pointless goal.

I let a friend persuade me to attend regular freeform dance sessions, which led to new friends who dragged me to the poetry reading where I met my future husband, and two years later the embrace of risk flowered in marriage.  Slowly the wanton, wild vine of daring grew in new soil.

I finally fully released my Romany side in 2012, my Year of Adventure.  The year started with a trip to Sedona, where I felt the adventurer in me freed at the Airport Vortex.  In the spring we used money that we had saved up for years (on the advice of dreams and visions) to go to Glastonbury, England, and life-changing things went even further.  Then many dreams propelled us to make the make the most challenging shift of all at the end of the year.  David quit his job, we left our home in the desert, and we took off  to find a new home, with no idea where we would land except that somewhere it awaited in the Pacific Northwest.  I have been so much freer ever since!

I also dreamed of Jake contemplating his focus in the school, and something vague about him taking off with George,  (This inspired me, I think,  to have Deirdre focus on hers at the same time.)

            I know from multiple dreams that Deirdre's greenfire use had become heavy by then.  The journey through rough brush could have come from any of a number of dreams, but I added Lufti bound and gagged, because that's what Deirdre would do, for the boy's own good.  Her unconscious telepathy would pick up that if she sent him back to Zofia, he would try to rejoin Kiril.  But all she knows consciously is that she needs to keep him close.

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