I dreamed of Zanne's band camping in a
series of abandoned industrial buildings, while someone stalked them. I elaborated on vagueness.
I dreamed that Changewright showed me,
as Jake, the same deformed corpse that Alroy destroyed years earlier, and told
him that he had named her after his sister, that his sister had died, and that
his mother had grieved, but, "Mothers are such fools. Daughters are no big deal." The rest is my elaboration, though I felt as
though I discovered it as I wrote it.
This had to do with a family dynamic
that I didn't want to admit, not till I could face it late in life. I grew up in a feminist household,
emphatically run by a strong woman to whom all men yielded. Yet she herself saw her femininity as something
that she'd overcome. I received
different treatment from my father and brother; in some ways harder to deal
with because to think this felt so taboo.
And yet it seemed obvious to everyone not trying to fight looking at it.
It just now occurred to me why the
little corpse had that strange beaklike bone growth. She was a "chick"! This is the feminine transformed into a
pitiful monster. And the dreams of her
carry a warning, that if I don't reclaim the rejected feminine consciously, it
will be exploited by the Shadow. That
would explain the unconscious cunning in my youth that did so much harm ("accidentally"
until I looked at it much later and realized the dynamic behind it) and also
the sudden explosions of hysteria that would catch me as much by surprise as
anyone else. Trying not to be feminine
turned my hidden feminine into a primitive witchery bewildering my life. So much of that melted away when I finally
married a man who could embrace all sides of me.
I invented all of Deirdre's part. I also invented Aliso's, but based on
dreaming that the rank and file held her in contempt even though she was the
only general that the Egalitarians really feared.