By Dolores J. Nurss

Volume V: Sharing Insanity

Chapter 11




I dreamed of Zanne's band camping in a series of abandoned industrial buildings, while someone stalked them.  I elaborated on vagueness.

I dreamed that Changewright showed me, as Jake, the same deformed corpse that Alroy destroyed years earlier, and told him that he had named her after his sister, that his sister had died, and that his mother had grieved, but, "Mothers are such fools.  Daughters are no big deal."  The rest is my elaboration, though I felt as though I discovered it as I wrote it.

This had to do with a family dynamic that I didn't want to admit, not till I could face it late in life.  I grew up in a feminist household, emphatically run by a strong woman to whom all men yielded.  Yet she herself saw her femininity as something that she'd overcome.  I received different treatment from my father and brother; in some ways harder to deal with because to think this felt so taboo.  And yet it seemed obvious to everyone not trying to fight looking at it.

It just now occurred to me why the little corpse had that strange beaklike bone growth.  She was a "chick"!  This is the feminine transformed into a pitiful monster.  And the dreams of her carry a warning, that if I don't reclaim the rejected feminine consciously, it will be exploited by the Shadow.  That would explain the unconscious cunning in my youth that did so much harm ("accidentally" until I looked at it much later and realized the dynamic behind it) and also the sudden explosions of hysteria that would catch me as much by surprise as anyone else.  Trying not to be feminine turned my hidden feminine into a primitive witchery bewildering my life.  So much of that melted away when I finally married a man who could embrace all sides of me.

I invented all of Deirdre's part.  I also invented Aliso's, but based on dreaming that the rank and file held her in contempt even though she was the only general that the Egalitarians really feared.

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