I dreamed of making the soldier commit
“suicide”. At the time I worked through
certain PTSD issues. Part of me trained
by trauma had to die.
I didn’t know at the time that a
friend, who seemed to have dealt with PTSD much, much better than me, was
falling apart inside, swallowing whatever people told her would shove away her
issues to make her presentable, and, in about ten years, would become a
full-fledged alcoholic and addict to anxiety meds. My own fears took me in the opposite
direction: hypervigilance, terror of the helplessness of intoxication, of the
sensation of wearing a blindfold in the vicinity of a cliff, sabotaged in my
capacity to defend myself, even as it would also impair my ability to assess and avoid danger, and maybe
even make any word I spoke a potential invitation to violence—thus my weakness,
rather than my strength, forbade me to go down that path. Perhaps dreams like this reinforced that fear
for a reason: as devastating as my anxiety attacks could be, the proffered cure
that lured a dear one to destruction would have been worse than the disease.
I did not dream that moment in Toulin
with Corey. I did dream of knowing what
happened to Corey. I felt tasked to
discover why the Changewright would do such an evil thing. Writings like these help fulfill the duty
with which the dream charged me.
wrote the dialogue between Malcolm and Sanzio, but dreamed of Malcolm having a
hernia. At the time I transcribed for
surgeons who often had hernias to fix, so my dreams found raw material in my
day's work to borrow from. As to what it
could symbolize, Sanzio himself goes into that later.