In the dream of my interrogation at
Sanzio’s hands, I did at first shield Lufti
with my body, though soon after I had no sense of him in my lap anymore. I have interpreted this as Deirdre’s delirium
hallucinating his presence. What I
remember best of the rest of the dream are snippets of what I said. “He already knows everything that we do,” and
“When did you first realize this thing we have in common, this damnation?” In the dream I escaped by extending compassion
to my torturer.
In terms of my psychology, then, my
torturer is my fury at myself for not being perfect, for never ever ceasing to
have faults. Lufti, I suppose, acts here
as my immature animus, driven mad by trying to direct all of my energy against
me per my instructions, yet wanting to rescue me from this.
after writing this I stumbled upon a handwritten dream-journal from 1996. On January 9th , I discovered
there, I had dreamed again of this interrogation, with a different portion
remembered. I thought I had made up the
part about getting knocked to the floor, but it's right there in the
journal. When knocked down, I learned
that the expensive-looking furniture turned out to merely wear a veneer over
cheaper wood. The part of me that
claimed a high enough standard to believe that it had a right to torment the
rest of me didn't actually have much depth to it. So I went back in the story and added the bit
about the furniture and the veneer.