By Dolores J. Nurss

Volume VI: The Rift

Chapter 6




In the dream of my interrogation at Sanzio’s hands,  I did at first shield Lufti with my body, though soon after I had no sense of him in my lap anymore.  I have interpreted this as Deirdre’s delirium hallucinating his presence.  What I remember best of the rest of the dream are snippets of what I said.  “He already knows everything that we do,” and “When did you first realize this thing we have in common, this damnation?”  In the dream I escaped by extending compassion to my torturer.

In terms of my psychology, then, my torturer is my fury at myself for not being perfect, for never ever ceasing to have faults.  Lufti, I suppose, acts here as my immature animus, driven mad by trying to direct all of my energy against me per my instructions, yet wanting to rescue me from this.

            Some months after writing this I stumbled upon a handwritten dream-journal from 1996.  On January 9th , I discovered there, I had dreamed again of this interrogation, with a different portion remembered.  I thought I had made up the part about getting knocked to the floor, but it's right there in the journal.  When knocked down, I learned that the expensive-looking furniture turned out to merely wear a veneer over cheaper wood.  The part of me that claimed a high enough standard to believe that it had a right to torment the rest of me didn't actually have much depth to it.  So I went back in the story and added the bit about the furniture and the veneer.

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