By Dolores J. Nurss

Volume V: Sharing Insanity

Chapter 49




             I dreamed of pushing through thorns, wrestling a stretcher through.  I elaborated on that.  I added the tunneling, seeing animals passing through brambles that way.

I also dreamed, in much more detail, of the addict’s suicide mission, and wished I hadn’t.  But maybe that’s better, at least, than having invented it.  Which makes me have to ask, what part of me is or was a suicide bomber, and what part of me thinks that this could possibly answer anything?  But doesn’t perfectionism always, ultimately, demand self-destruction?  Is it not a war—against oneself?

Alternately (and simultaneously, for dreams, like the elves, can say both no and yes, trying to convey nuances beyond our habitual thoughts) I have found personally that an effective answer to suicidal temptations is to ask, “What part of me has to die?”  Because that respects the urgency of the feelings, while tempering their extremity.  As I have often said, there is nothing so true that exaggeration cannot make a lie of it; suicidal thoughts are lies that sometimes fatally exaggerate the truth.

And the truth here, the thing that had to die, found expression both in Tulipita and the army that she fought: the “Death Before Dishonor” mentality that so often drives suicidal thinking in the first place.  Yes, it is good to be prepared to die rather than give way to evil; we must always keep that in mind, should anyone hold a gun to our heads to demand a wicked act (which does happen now and then, both literally and figuratively.)  But that is not the same as dying for mere pride.  Better to die to pride and let the rest of you keep on going, freed by humility.

I followed intuition, meshed it with past and future dreams, and filled in the parts with Jake and George, for they were in that building together for more than a day, yet I have not dreamed precisely of what transpired.

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